My entire life I have been a natural communicator. More often than not when I was a young child and into my adolescent years, I would have comments on my report cards noting this ;). I have never had a problem communicating with others. It wasn't until I was older and picked up an interest in astrology that I realized that this was a pretty rare gift I was given. Being an "air sign", it always seemed so "logical" to me to communicate with people. A talker for sure, I remember my parents used to tell me that my name should have been Gabrielle "Gabby" for short. I remember that I used to get annoyed with that statement because it just seemed that communicating with others was the best thing to do, I mean, why would you not want to communicate clearly with others?
It was so obvious to me and I felt so strongly about this and did not understand why anyone would be so protective about their thoughts and feelings... that was until... I fell in love.... & my heart was broken into a million pieces when things "fell apart".
The first year or two was the hardest, the physical pain I felt in my chest was awful. The sleepless nights, the getting sick and not being able to eat. I remember just wanting that to go away forever and those things did, eventually. I remember doing everything I could to keep myself busy, trying to keep my mind off of "feeling". I mean, who wants to feel that kind of pain? And I remember thinking to myself that I was "certainly never going to allow myself to feel that kind of pain again" and "if that is what love can do, I wasn't going to allow that to happen again". Needless to say, my ego took a huge hit when I felt the rejection from the one I loved so deeply. I was so convinced that he was going to hurt me again that the thought of him entering my life again was traumatizing. So I blocked the pain, I blocked him out and spent years trying to forget.
As time went by, life went on, new experiences were had, new relationships were formed, marriages were made, careers were started, life moved on and it seemed all was happy. Or had it and was I? Why did I still feel physical pain in my heart years later? After discussing this feeling with a few people, it was of course dismissed as no one ever truly "gets over" their first love. But.... it felt like I was dealing with something so much deeper than that. However, as soon as I started to try to dissect these feelings again, my lovely little ego would pop in and remind me that "he destroyed me" and "if he still really loved me, he would have communicated that with me, he would have told me & wouldn't of hurt me", I mean they were simple words, right? How hard was it to simply say "I still love you" or a simple "I'm sorry". And thus the vicious cycle of not allowing myself to feel would start again and my thoughts on vulnerability and love remained doing myself and nobody else in my life any favors.
As time passed by, I had to try harder to convince myself that the way I chose to deal with this pain was the most "logical" thing to do. But as we all know... love isn't logical, is it? You have to feel your way through love. The mind has no place when it comes to love. It was time for me to face the fact that it had been me, not him who "destroyed me". I kept myself from achieving emotional abundance because of my fear of being vulnerable again. I had spent years wondering why he never said anything but in reality, it was me who wasn't communicating. He tried. In his own way. He was further along than me, he had allowed himself to be vulnerable. I was refusing to see it for what it was. I was refusing to allow myself to feel again. I was using my intellect, not my heart. I was the runner, I wasn't speaking my truth. Talk about a slap in the face when I finally realized this. How did I not see this earlier? Oh that's right.....Ego.
The lesson in short?? You cannot run from pain. Pain is a part of life. You cannot run from your feelings. Feelings are a part of life. The more you allow yourself to feel, the better you get to know yourself. Especially when you have to "feel" and deal with your emotions alone. You learn what is important in life, what is real... what you are really made & truly worthy of... love. Nothing else matters.
The illusion of the 3D world is simply that, an illusion. So many of us don't take the time to listen to our hearts because of silly insecurities and fears or " this is the way it is " type of attitudes, whether this comes to love, career or anything we are passionate about. In reality, we have all the power we need to change our lives towards the direction we would like them to go. It is just the fear (which is the exact opposite of love) that keeps you from listening. Our hearts are a direct connection to source, they hold the blueprint to our soul's journey, guiding us along the way. Love is your inherent vibration, and when you live in the power of love, then and only then will you ever know your personal truth.
It wasn't until 14 years after my heart was "broken" that I realized that it was a part of my journey. A destined experience. I was being taught how to truly love myself. Honor myself. How to listen to my intuition and not question it with "logic". It might have taken a long time for me to realize this, but once I did, my world got bigger. Oh and those feelings I had suppressed? Yeah, I had to deal with those all over again before I could truly embrace who I am. I began to realize the truth of the connection, what I was and what my mission is here on this beautiful planet.