You can't pull yourself up, you can't stop sobbing, your heart is breaking, you are questioning every decision you have ever made in your life (knowing which ones you should have made and asking yourself why you didn't), you feel pain... oh holy s&^*, this pain. Congratulations, the universe is calling you on your bullshit. You are being forced to feel... everything... you will be stopped dead in your tracks and be asked to review it all.
This is a time when your soul is asking you if you are finally ready to stop living from your head? Let's go ahead and look at what is no longer serving you in your life, shall we? For those of you who follow astrology, I have 5 retrogrades in my chart, Yes... 5.... Oy.... and 1 which is Saturn and Saturn kicked my ass with no mercy. I was forced to feel everything I had suppressed within me or had been refusing to deal with in the present that was not serving my highest good.
It was the beginning of my transformation & purification process. Yes, purification process. You see, while I was laying there... feeling like this pain was never going to end, I had to take a look at all of my conditioned beliefs, my insecurities, past & present decisions that were based fully out of ego, how I had not been loving myself, where I had given my power away, etc..... and then I had to listen to the answer why, ugh. Facing my shadow was not easy at all, but completely necessary.
I had slowly but reluctantly been surrendering to my awakening leading up to my dark night of the soul...but this night.. this night was very different.... I felt what it meant to fully surrender, to live in the moment and accept what was. It was then, in that very moment that I finally discovered what it meant to love. Really love.
What happened to me next, I will truly never forget. My gifts of clairaudience/clairvoyance were most definitely growing stronger but were still at a stage of initiation. However, at that very moment... the moment of total surrender and allowing the divine to finally penetrate my heart... I started to see sparks of light all over my bedroom and felt an immediate sense of peace in my heart. I allowed myself to stop crying as I saw sparks of pink, blue, green, white, red and even yellow light up my room. It was absolutely beautiful.
I rubbed my eyes a few times just to make sure... (haha)... and then decided to try to relax and put Pandora on, the song that came on was Glory of Love by Chicago, which has a very special meaning to me. Being clairaudient, I knew this was not a coincidence, I looked at the clock, checked out the angel number meaning and of course was blown away again by the timing of this message from the divine.
It was then that I knew I was going through something bigger than I could possibly imagine and that I was absolutely not alone. My ascension process was now going into full swing. I understood finally. I was meant to experience everything I had in my life so I could help others remember what they are here for.... to love & to remind them of who they truly are, the heart.. not the mind.